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I am not a cook!
Opening the refrigerator I discovered that someone had purchased a batch of really good, big strawberries. Opening the freezer I discovered a one-year-old jumbo bar of Hershey's Milk Chocolate. Eureka! Home alone. Why not indulge in a little culinary expedition? I break the Hershey bar into small pieces and throw them into a small pot. Fire set to low. Chocolate starts to melt. Fine, it starts to burn. Eventually the chocolate turns into a weird blob resembling charred mud. What can I do? What would you do? Well... I pour onto the burnt clump of year-old chocolate some Bosco (as if anyone would be surprised that I have in my house the inspiration behind George's ATM code on Seinfeld) and a weird "vanilla sugar" product I find in the pantry. The Bosco forms a hard shell around the clump of burnt chocolate and the sugar makes everything burn even easier. I come up with the perfect solution - water! I add a whole cup of water to the mix. After about 10 minutes things turn slightly more normal. No more awkward Bosco-encrusted clump of old chocolate. What I have now is chocolate water. If only it would be more thick I'd be golden. But alas, the consistency is that of water. Knowing I should be glad for at least getting this far, I begin the dipping procedures. I dip and dip and dip. But because it is so much like water, I get weird brown-colored strawberries. I blow on the strawberries, hoping to cool the layer of chocolate water so I can dip again. No change. So I place the chocolate-water-colored strawberries on a plate and pour the rest of my chocowater over the berries. As I write this the plate of brownberries are cooling in the refrigerator. If you're interested, I just found a recipe for Chocolate-Dipped Whiskey Strawberries. Now I feel even worse! Maybe this will help- George and Kramer, in Seinfeld's The Secret Code: George - I am not giving you my code. Kramer - I'll bet I can guess it. George - Yeah, right. Kramer - Ah, all right, yeah... Let's see... Well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you. You're a word man. Let's go deeper... What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations. But what tempts you? You're a portly fellow. A bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no... Yours is a sweet tooth. Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master... The cocoa bean! And only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you. If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon... Ovaltine!? Hershey's!? Nestle's Quick!? Blacker and Manlier Than Ever Before - now get off your ass
Just got back from seeing Men in Black II. I'd like to blog about the film's recurring theme of toying with perspective. Aliens, weapons, props and many other things are shown in all sorts of surprising perspectives. Big things look small, small things appear in amazing detail, little things have big impacts, and major things can seem amazingly tiny. We can learn from and be inspired by occasionally taking the time to think of things in radically different ways than we normally do. A whole universe can fit on the tip of a needle. Your entire life can change because of a small realization. You can make life-long friends by saying the right thing at the right time. Surprise, spontaneity, unexpectedness, open-mindedness and an embrace for the unknown can do wonders. Do not fear the unknown and be weary of the false sense of security offered by the known. The devil you don't know may be much better than the hell you do. Fuck what's known. Fuck what's easy. Fuck what's accessible. Fuck what's understood. Fuck what's comfortable. Theorizing that one could time travel within his own life time, Dr. Sam Beckett stepped into the quantum leap accelerator and vanished. He awoke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. His only guide on this journey Is Al, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sam can see and hear. And so Dr. Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home. Do something no one would expect you to do. Take advantage of your independence. Make your next leap and leap to the unknown. If you stop wasting your life I will be your Al. Write me an email you never expected to write. Myth and reality - does it matter? Who cares? If you do, here are the top 5 myths about the Fourth of July and why you are going to hell for not knowing them. Courtesy of House Arrest, from the team behind nycbloggers.com.
Steve Fossett is a Phony
What's the deal? The man may have technically ballooned around the world but he took the poor man's way. Instead of flying around the Earth's equator (a journey of 25,000 miles) he flew around the Earth down under by Australia (a journey of 19,500 miles). According to my calculations, Steve still owes history another 5,500 miles!!!  Who's with me in starting a petition against this very grave act of tomfoolery? Bad Telemarketing 101 Everyone has a lot to say about telemarketers. The few times I don't hang up within a second of picking up the phone I notice that they usually have very long speeches to deliver. Those times that I don't hang up right away and let them go through their long-winded speech I simply say "no thanks" and hang up.
Here's an idea - what if, instead of talking forever and then just getting a "no thanks," they were to start off with a bang, ask a question and engage the listener. I just got a call from a local hospital inviting me to check out their facilities. The purpose was to steal me away from my existing doctor. The lady on he phone spoke for about 2 minutes about all their great services. I waited for her to stop, said "no thanks" and hung up. Why do I care about their plastic surgery or OBGYN services ?! No jokes, please! What if she were to say, "Mr. Shwirtz, have you ever felt overcharged by your doctor?" or "What if I told you that we have shorter wait lines than any other hospital or private practitioner anywhere in this area? Could I get you to stop by our open house and get a free flu shot?" I'm not saying that I would have responded differently, but at least it would be an attempt to engage my time, attention and thoughts. Otherwise I just wait for them to shut up before I hang up. Thoughts? Stupidity at Home and Abroad There are renewed worries today about the failure rate of security screeners at airports when it comes to catching fake/test bombs. Can someone let me know when we stopped being worried about the idiots who check bags at airports? Damn!
There are new terror threats for the 4th of July. Why would terrorists strike specifically on days of extremely tight added security? Isn't that the worst time to strike - when people are on the lookout? You can just as easily attack lots of people on a regular day, like September 11th. |
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