I play one on TV...

This post will be relatively short because:
-My previous two were painfully long.
-I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not and I'm not a philosopher so I don't want to pretend to be one.

There is a question of how we perceive ourselves. Do I have a healthy, robust self-image or do I strictly see myself through the eyes of others? The answer lies somewhere in the middle, obviously. However, when it comes to seeing myself in terms of how others do, does the impression come more from those who don't like me or those who do? Hmmm, that's not an easy thing to answer.

One on hand, I don't care about those who don't like me and don't give them the time of day. I never feel insulted if someone I don't respect insults me. But regardless of all that, there is still validity to understanding why someone doesn't like me. On the other hand, those who know me best do indeed, know me best. So why not see myself through their eyes? Well, of course, their opinions are tainted by our friendship and so those who know me best are probably the least likely to offer me a true self-image.

What about soul mates? I don't believe there is some mathematical or scientific formula that dictates one perfect match for everyone. There isn't such a thing as a perfect match. I can't objectively say I'd like to find someone who shares equal interests with me in science fiction and comedy. I don't think I'll find someone equal in that way and I can't say if I'd rather they match me more on one topic or the other. So there are no soul mates in my conception of the universe. There are people who we connect with, some more than others. No one wants to be with someone who is exactly like them. That's no fun. Perhaps the person I choose to spend the rest of my life with won't like sci-fi. That's cool. No problem. You never know.

If a good friend isn't qualified to tell you who you are then a soul mate, or something resembling one, is even less qualified. Sometimes it's fun to know what a complete stranger picks up on (first impressions are fun to analyze and understand). I personally enjoy seeing people do impressions of me. Everyone picks a different aspect of my demeanor, character, style of speech, etc. to mock in their representation of The Jacob.

There is a danger in relying on others to help you define the self. People come and go. Even the most trusted, close friend, soul mate or lover may turn. But you don't want to be delusional and just go with your own impression of yourself all the time. There is even a danger in having too many close friends and involve yourself in friend-building to such a degree that you start to neglect your own existence. If we're hanging out ALL the time then I never have time to evolve myself and I can't bind my personal evolution solely to someone else.

Nothing else really to say on the matter. Comments?

Those represent various scattered thoughts of mine on a panoply of friendship issues. I promise that other posts will be more coherent and straight forward.

Jacob on Jacko on Girls



Confidence, self-awareness and an easy-going nature seem to be key to establishing relations with others. How can you connect with someone else if you don't even know who you yourself are? How can that grow if you don't keep a certain confidence in yourself? Another major factor that seems to be key to establishing more-than-friendly relations with a woman is the ability to LET GO.



You may want to convey certain things to a woman you're interested in. You may want to pretend to be something you're not. Most often you'll come across as a fake who is desperate and willing to do anything to get her. These are never the actions which actually lead to success. People tend to be attracted to those things they crave more exposure to. If a woman is overexposed to you and your antics she will get used to them and take them for granted. However, if you convey a certain confidence and self-awareness and then don't proceed to always be in her face, she will be more interested and curious.



Not caring about how she reacts, and even if she reacts is important. Being able to maintain a "professional distance" where you show that you aren't obsessed and do, indeed, have other options available are key to not overexposing yourself. Letting go isn't easy, especially if you really like someone. But only by being your awesome self and then not being constantly in her face will she start you like you too. Paradoxically, being away from the one you're interested in may help foster a stronger level of interest - for everyone involved.



Learning those lessons and actually living them are two totally different things. Most guys, and girls, recognize these things early on but spend a lifetime trying to put them into practice. The inspiration for this post came about because I recently had to relearn this maxim. That's why I'm sharing this all with you. And for those who know me personally - this post's inspiration is not our large-breasted friend but rather someone else.



Confidence and the ability to walk away really do take a lifetime to learn fully. Going out at the top of one's game isn't easy but is so much more fulfilling then exhausting every possible avenue for continuation. Take it easy. Step back. Breath. Realize there are more options with more people and you'll be stronger for the experience. Easy to say. Not easy to do. Just beat it.



Having that confidence comes from being comfortable in your own skin. Ever sit alone for a whole day and do nothing? Can you go a week without talking to your friends? How about spending a whole weekend with yourself and maybe a book? Do you crave connections with others? How far would you go to establish and nurture those connections - even with people who clearly aren't reciprocating?



Defeat is only in the eyes of others. If you are cool with yourself and are ok with living out your life as you are then you'll never be defeated. Someone you like doesn't like you? Fuck them. Want to be friends with someone who doesn't give you the time of day? Just beat them. Do something unexpected. Remember what it is like to have a spontaneous bone. Fly somewhere and visit a long-lost friend. Go to Vegas. And when you do, let me know.

Improv-ing Your Way to Friendship

Improv comedy classes have been the best thing to happen to me in a long time. They are challenging, fun, filled with cool people and really show me that I can focus attention on things other than running a company and making money.

The Basics

The Upright Citizens Brigade are a group of 4 Chicago-trained improvisers who had a cool Comedy Central show way back. They then (or concurrently, I'm not sure) opened up a theater in NY and started giving improv classes. Specifically, the school teaches a long-form style of improv developed by Del Close in Chicago. People always ask if this is like Who's Line Is It Anyway? and I have to explain that while they improvise everything it is all short-form improv. What we do is take a single audience suggestion (can be any word or phrase) and proceed to put on a 25 minute show. Everything is improvised. Nothing is scripted. Nothing planned or discussed. Nothing.

After a quick intro to get our eight-person team's creative juices flowing (some sort of word-play sometimes combined with movements), we do a succession of 3 two-person scenes based on the original suggestion as well as the ideas that came out of the intro. Then we do a "group game" that involves everyone, followed by a different "take" on the original 3 scenes (i.e. let's see what that would be if they were in space, or in the future, or animals). Then another group game and then a sort-of cluster fuck ending where the same three scenes get taken to extremes and combined in weird ways. I just need to stress again that nothing is prepared in any way. When two people walk out to do the first 2 person scene they have no idea what the other person is thinking, who they will be and what they themselves will end up being. Only through talking and actions do we communicate our intentions to scene partners.

Improv for Life

The concepts we learn and class, rehearse during practice and try to remember during performances are applicable to all facets of life.

No negativity - we try to never discount, reject or deny what scene partners say. Our goal is to establish relationships, describe the environment of the scene and play within those bounds. Saying no to someone is a roadblock to achieving those goals. We accept everything. Every line said should help establish the reality and convey the relationships.

No strangers - similarly, fight scenes are avoided because they aren't funny. One person saying "you did this" followed by the other person saying "no I didn't" over and over again leads to no growth. For this reason, teaching and transaction scenes are also avoided because they are dead ends. How do I do this? This way. Ok, thanks. How much for this magazine? A dollar. Ok, thanks.

Yes-and'ing - along those same lines, we not only never say no and always say yes, we strive to yes-AND. This means that we don't merely accept what the other says we seek to build upon it by thinking "if that, then what..." My partner may say, "Jeez, Tim, we've been walking for hours." I may reply with, "yeah, I'm really sorry my car broke down, I'm sure I had enough gas to get us to Disneyworld," Suddenly we've established we're friends, I may be a little stupid, and we're heading to Disneyworld - all within two lines.

No jokes - almost going against logic, we never try to make jokes. Jokes do not yes-and. They are dead ends that make the teller look great but do nothing for the relationship or the scene. I think the difference here is the same difference between laughing at good stand-up and laughing at Rushmore. Reality is a key word. We try to stay real, even when a wacky or insane character comes through. Similarly, playing at the height of our intelligence is a constant rule. Pretending to be dumb may be funny but is more joke-y than we want. Playing everything real and smart adds great flavors of wittiness that is just great, leading to more fulfilling scenes.

Supporting partners - we really try to think about supporting each other by not stepping on lines, not forcing onto others our own ideas of what should happen and really trying to make sure the other person looks good. Sometimes I may think I have a great idea, but if someone else said something I can't ignore that and say what I was going to say because we're supposed to always react to the last thing said and never go backward. This movement forward, constant energy, acceptance, intellectualness is why I love improv. Support is also the only way we can really be confident in doing things which make us seem silly and stupid. Being vulnerable is important to good comedy but is only achieved through trust in partners.

There are many more concepts that we try to learn and practice. I listed just a few. I have really been enjoying getting more and more into improv because these concepts and the games we play are applicable everywhere.

I have already begun seeing how those lessons have affected my life. I often times forgo saying something I intend to say if someone else is talking or have switched subjects. Before I would still always try to get out what I planned on saying because it was a joke or some sort of insult. Now I am more comfortable letting things go. My conversation style has also changed and I've become a lot more interested, and good at, getting to know people by asking questions and listening to answers - without constantly trying to figure out how to say something funny in return. The pressure of being funny which I once felt is now all but gone.

All in all, I've become more comfortable around people and any potential weird situation - including meeting the long-time boyfriend of a girl I sorta like but am now confidently a friend of. I can smile, ask good questions, gain the trust of strangers and nurture solid friendships because of a new sincere interest in getting to know people.

There's no secret to being funny and no secret to developing good friendships. Just a basic caring for partners, friends, etc. along with a genuine interest in becoming closer is what one needs to really build good bonds.

Jacob's Theory of Relations

Everyone is a ball of energy, extending outward in concentric spheres. I'm not referring to freaky new-age crap. Rather, I'm trying to convey a metaphor. So calm down. Anyway, we are each a big ball of energy, divided into layers (or shells, for chemistry buffs). Thoughts, feelings, emotions, secrets, knowledge, etc. reside in each layer. The closer to the center we examine the more personal self-knowledge we discover until finding the center, our most personal/private self. "Well we all have a face that we hide away forever and we take 'em out and show ourselves when everyone has gone..." (Billy Joel).

The world of humans is thus a world of balls of energy interacting. When we come into contact with someone else, only our outermost layers interact. As we slowly and deliberately get to know each other, our respective layers grant the other more and more access. The balls actually start to overlap. If this 3 dimensional model is too complicated, think of a 2 dimensional VENN Diagram from high school math class - two circles slightly overlapping which represents those things the two circles share in common and what each circle has that is unique to itself.

We're floating around, meeting people, interacting, learning about those we like and nurturing closer ties with those we feel more connected to. The layers of our balls of energy become more overlapped as we grant each other access to deeper and more sensitive concerns and passions. On an academic and debatable point I'd like to say that I don't think two balls of energy can ever be completely overlapped, inhabiting the same exact space. There will always be a part of yourself, which is different for everyone, that you can never fully communicate and share. Others may disagree but it is a minor side note to my overall theory of relations.

There is nothing that can stop us from developing such relationships with many people simultaneously. However, just as the danger of trying to keep nothing private, there is a danger that you will begin to see and define yourself according to how others see and interact with you. Without getting too existential I'd like to warn of the danger of placing all one's efforts into building strong connections with others while neglecting to develop the self. It's dandy to want to share everything but if you don't have anything [new] to share then what are you sharing? This gets us into another topic - the sometimes positive, most often negative loss of self associated with close relationships such as "soul mates," marriages and long-term committed relationships.

More coming soon...

Can't resist...

Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: "They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner.

Words' Worth?

If we fall in love how come love lifts us up where we belong? Is there anything to read into the fact that we both fall in love and fall asleep? What about falling in with a bad crowd? Is that what we do when we fall in love? Hmm... United we stand... divided we fall... in love?

How come we don't fall into friendship? Maybe we rise to friendship? We rise to occasions. We rise and shine. We rise above things that aren't worthwhile (love?). And finally, we get friendship... and a rise... out of people.

Seems like friendship is pretty sweet. I'll take two. To go. Wrap 'em up.

Well...

I'm back, baby, and better than ever!

After a two month hiatus I feel ready to recommit myself to this blog and my zero readers. Getting back from a ten day trip to Israel, in mid January, I committed myself to personal development with renewed vigor. For whatever reason, things seemed much clearer to me. I unsubscribed from most mailing lists, eventually stopped reading blogs and keeping my own blog, I ceased attempts at staying in touch with vague acquaintances and business peers and focus on more important things.

These actions have given me a new clarity of purpose. I no longer have to do vague follow ups and curtsying "new business development" executives or marketing directors of other companies. I no longer have to pretend to be friends with idiots who may one day prove valuable to my company. I am also giving some time to a "good cause" by working on strategy and development with the folks at alzinfo.org.

In the last two months I also helped to relaunch a totally new and cool website for the trapeze school that I became such a big fan of in October, 2002. Check it out here and sign up for classes - I'll see you there!

Two hobbies have come to dominate my free time. Working out to a tiny extent and improvisation comedy to a huge extent.

Improv has had the interesting side effect of helping me create and nurture new friendships with a load of cool people. These friendships, curiously strong considering their relatively short duration as of yet, have led to all sorts of new thoughts, realizations and philosophies on the concept of friendship. It is also what has led me to start blogging again. Over the next few days I will be posting about friendship and I hope to hear back from readers with their thoughts on the matter.