A Heartbreaking Trip of Staggering Genius

I'm back home! Yep, it is very weird to think of Tel Aviv as "home" but there you go, I said it! I am now BACK HOME after a fun, sad and inspirational trip to NY. I feel that I learned a lot about myself and many of my friends while visiting the city I lived in almost my entire life. It's nice to be back to my work, my new friends and my journey of trying to build a new life for myself in Israel. In this way, the NY trip was sort of like a pit stop, a refresher.

Not until arriving in NY did I realize how hard I've been working on getting set up in Israel - not only professionally but also personally. Even building a social life is like a job - something to be worked on, nurtured and cared for. Being in NY was fun because I could completely relax. I know where I like to go out, I know who my best friend is and I don't need to stress out about mis/using the right word in a foreign language.

The sad or frustrating part of the trip was when I realized only I was on vacation. And just because I was on vacation didn't mean anyone else would or could take vacation. Was it wrong of me to assume that every friend would drop everything upon finding out I was in town to demand as much time with me as possible and do all he or she could to insure I was constantly amused and having fun?

Didn't they realize I, me, JACOB, their [once good] friend, who emigrated to another country and whom they missed very, very much, was suddenly back in town for a short period and that they should take advantage of every moment I had to make sure I was having fun?

I know I would do all I could and take as much time off as I could to entertain a friend who I hadn't seen in months because he or she was off on an amazing life journey. Of course I'd want to spend as much time with them as I good to try to glean what inspiration and life lessons I could from their awe-inspiring decision to leave everything behind and go live in a war zone.

Well, that wasn't the case. People still had work. People still had school. People still had other commitments and things to keep them from seeing me as much as maybe I expected them to. Then there were others I didn't even feel wanted to see me or cared I was in town. Some I really thought wanted to see me or hang out more but genuinely couldn't while others I thought were full of shit. This was the harshest thing to realize - that there was a discongruity between how I saw relationships with certain people and how those people saw their relationships with me.

In this way I learned a lot about certain people. I still find it hard to accept newly-discovered truths of how some people really see (and act upon) their [former] "friendship" with me.

And then, on the opposite end of the spectrum, I was stunned by some people whom I never considered good friends but were surprisingly excited by my return and did indeed want to see me, ask me genuine questions and spend time with me. I felt the love!

I suppose everyone goes through these emotions at some point in their life. It's one of those "growing up" things. This was my first time returning to a place I had left. So I am only learning now, for the first time, what it means to keep in touch with people, how sincere certain people are and which are my true friendships and which are just occasion-ships and acquaintances who will fit me into their schedule only when it's most convenient to them.

A quick note - in talking about "keeping in touch with people" I am completely leaving out people I have met while on vacation. Some of them remain the most consistent names in my email inbox! I'm only talking about people I have known for a long time, left and then returned to.

One other cool thing was that I had the chance of meeting at least 3 new people (shout-outs to Randomtica and Urban Kvetch and Ali!). I didn't expect to make new friends but it just sort of happened. Oh well, now there are more people to keep in touch with - which is fine because there are some that I will no longer make efforts to keep in touch with as a result of the trip.

On another topic altogether, what annoyed me most were the stupid question "so are you staying?" and line "wow, you came back!" These were asked as if my time in Israel was so horrible that I would visit NY on vacation and decide to just abandon everything I've been doing in Israel. The certainty of my return to Israel (which was obvious for me) was almost more surprising and incomprehensible to my friends in both NY and Israel than my original move! Unsporting and non-Zionist Israelis were more taken aback by my return than from my immigration. Some NY friends were likewise surprised to see me in good spirits and anxious to continue my new life in Israel.

The reasons I had for immigrating still hold. Visiting NY was not an admission of defeat but rather a pit stop on my journey - not to mention attending the wedding of one of my best friends whom we never thought would get married. I am having a wonderful and successful time in Israel and have NO plans to return to NY. It will take my friends a while to really buy this but it's the truth.

Can't really think of a grand or inspirational way to end the post except to say that I now understand something I never quite grasped before - the saying "You can never go back." I'm not sure if that's the correct quote and I'm not sure where it comes from but the point is that I feel like a different person and visiting NY and sleeping in my childhood bed will never be the same. Going back to the Upright Citizen's Brigade theater will never be the same (even though people were psyched to see me). Flying at Trapeze School New York will never be the same (even though I got right back into the swing of things). Savoring the wings at my favorite buffalo wings place will never be the same (even though they are still the greatest wings ever). I have changed and I'll never be the person I was before I leaving New York.

Sad. Exciting. Dramatic. It's life. And I feel like I'm just starting to learn.