Honesty is Sexy

My last post meets the same style parameters as most of my posts (I wonder how many of these my frequent readers picked up on intuitively and how many come as a surprise):

-I put a lot of thought into it
-I was planning it for a least a day
-I did some research online before writing it so that I could account for the larger context that the post resides in and I made sure to reference the larger context explicitly
-I reread it 5 times before and after submitting to make sure my English was ok and I expressed my views as clearly as possible
-I checked to make sure I didn't write anything that would offend anyone or infringe on the privacy of my friends and workplace
-I considered the long-term viability of the posting to make sure I wasn't backing myself into a corner that I wouldn't stand behind 5 years from now

Here's a post that does NOT follow the above "Jacob's rules for blog postings." Another way of saying that would be "here's a rant I want to get off my chest."

Is it just me or is honesty sexy?

I'm not talking about just blabbing personal things to everyone without prompting. I'm referring to the freedom and refreshing feeling of being honest with people. I'm not being arrogant when I say that humor and comedy and very important to me and I am pretty funny person. Usually, in any setting, I am used to being "the funny one" and people are used to hearing from me things that others wouldn't ever say out loud. They come to expect it and I am able to get away with saying things that others simply wouldn't. However, my humor is almost never based on those sorts of jokes that make people feel stupid. I refer to jokes where you say something fantastical, forcing the listener to say "no, really?!" and then respond with "nope, just kidding." I hate humor that plays on the gullibility of people. Instead, I enjoy the humor that is most honest - like pointing out something uncomfortable about a situation. Another time people seem to be amused by what I say is when I honestly answer a question. This has baffled me for the longest time. Giving an honest answer to a question that is based on social politeness and common courtesy, when it isn't what's expected, comes across as humor.

I genuinely enjoy being an open and honest person. I define this as "anyone can ask me almost anything and receive an honest reply." It doesn't mean that I come forward and spill my guts, but when asked, I will respond truthfully. I seldom try to avoid answering questions. I get excited when someone asks me a personal question because I am so tired of meaningless chit chat. Sharing something person with another person, when they ask, is a beautiful thing.

The above was crystallized for me in the run-up to my emigration from New York. Everyone felt obliged, because of social courtesy, to ask "why are you moving?" But only a small percentage actually cared to hear the answer. Those that genuinely cared may not have been just the people who I'd considered good friends. Their honest questioning taught me something about them and raised the impression of them in my mind. These are people who, even if we weren't the best of friends, showed a genuine interest in my life.

That's how I'd like to think of myself - I like to get to know people, even if we're not great friends and even if we'll never be great friends. If someone is in my space for a given time (a friend of a friend who came out with us to a bar or a co-worker or a distant family member at a family event) then I want to get to know them. This is the case because I feel like I can learn something from everyone and every situation. I believe that inspiration comes when you least expect it and from the most unsuspecting of sources. So I'm just open to learning and inspiration. It doesn't just come from school and it doesn't just come from Shakespeare. If I'm around someone, even if we're not great friends, why talk about weather? Why not talk about something meaningful to them and try to learn?

I also try to apply these ideals to my experiences on the Internet. I never lie in profiles on dating sites or networking sites. I just don't see the point. NO ONE benefits from untruthful profiles. When it comes to my blog I focus on well-thought-out postings on specific topics and never write about the banality of my every day life. I am very impressed by friends who are able to do this, such as Randomtica.com. I have a low self esteem when it comes to my impression of people's interest in my daily life. I am much more confident thinking people care about my thoughtful comments on Israeli culture or the evolution of online community. This is also probably why I don't enjoy chit chat and would rather focus on meaningful, thoughtful conversation (where I know I can be impressive).

Of course that's a shortcoming within me. Even in writing this, I imagine most people won't read the whole posting because its so very different from others I've written - wayyyyyy too self indulgent and not applicable to others or any industry/society as a whole.

Do you really want to come to my blog and read the following, honest, post?

The boss is visiting the US right now so all of us in the small office decided to have a BBQ for lunch. But the programmers thought the smell would be too bad so we decided to cook the kabobs in the toaster oven instead. everyone had to bring something and, unsurprisingly, it was my job to bring the beer. I bought a 6 pack of Goldstar beer bottles and added two more from my own stash at home since we're 8 people in the office. Goldstar is the equivalent of Budweiser in the States - its the go-to, standard, local beer. Most Israelis don't drink it but because I'm a super-Zionist it is my beer of choice. The kabobs came out OK but I much prefer chicken.

I just don't see myself posting often those kinds of things.

Going back to the real world, I find honesty refreshing and attractive. On a first date with a girl, if we just talk about silly small talk topics like the weather and Mayor Bloomberg, I'll probably never ask her out again. The most exciting thing is when you realize you had a wonderful date but don't know if she has siblings or where she went to college. I'd much rather spend time getting to know someone's opinions and life-altering moments - not just their first pet's name. Furthermore, I don't want to date someone where I feel like I'm the only one asking insightful questions.

That's why I don't date very often and go long periods of time between girlfriends. It's not enough for a girl to be smart, attractive and breathing. I am attracted to honesty, which I think belies a thirst for life and growth. Deception stymies all that and makes for boring people.

For the same reasons, I also get very pissed off with "game playing." I hate having to calculate how long to wait before calling a girl I really like or thinking too much about what to say when I call her or where to go out with her. Why can't we be more honest?? "Hi, I like you, want to spend some time getting to know each other better?" Why not call someone when you feel like it and go where you feel like going instead of having to calculate every little thing?

Now, I know there are probably plenty of people who agree with the above but I'm also cynical on this point - I don't believe they really behave that way. Or, at least, they don't act as though they believe it. Too many people still play too many games.

Can't we all just be a little more honest? Sometimes people fear that if they say too much or are too open about their feelings there won't be anything left. I'd rather be overly open and honest and let other things, like inspiration and lessons from others, fill whatever void is felt when we share ourselves with others.

I find honesty relaxing and freeing. I can go to bed at night not having to keep track of which fibs I've told which people or what cover story I have to keep up for which person. It's a much more peaceful existence - but sadly it is also quite lonely.

And that's all I have to say about that.