Ego

Since writing my last post two people have confronted me to find out if I was writing about them and trying to tell them something "through" my writing here. I told them both the truth - I would never use my site to tell friends something I won't say to them in person. Specifically, the word "ego" got to them. It has also continued to haunt me.

In my quest for discovering what the line is between ego and honesty, what the limit of honesty is and where and how it can be "too much," I decided to experiment with my Friendster profile. Too bad they have a 3000 character limit. Here, below is the full text I wanted to include there. I will also be putting this on my About Me page which, I've always feared, comes across as way to show-offy even though its all true.

After writing all of this I am sure I will continue to think of things to add. So I will return to this entry and make additions as time goes on. I've made a note of where the original entry ended and where additions began. The last paragraph is also new.

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I have more neuroses than you'd want in a lover, friend or even acquaintance. I get pissed off that we can't remember the future. I can't talk about my feelings regarding religion because they make me feel disrespectful. I can't be friends or siblings with someone unless I am either smarter, funnier or taller than the other person - unless he or she is either MUCH smarter, funnier or taller than me. I have no taller friends or siblings. I have much funnier friends. I have much smarter siblings. I fear normality. I can't stand the idea that friends and lovers feel or once felt about others the way they do about me. I like cushioned chairs and always sitting in restaurants so as to see the fewest number of other people. I don't like big groups and almost never talk to people I don't know. I despise the existence of people who sit beside me on trains, buses or airplanes. I am disrespectful toward people who don't amuse or stimulate me. I have a few friends who I cherish dearly. I long for honesty yet don't know what it means. I don't put notes in the Wailing Wall but one day hope to. I take insults as compliments. I challenge myself and all around me to find inspiration in the smallest, weirdest, least-expected places yet I don't like dirt or insects. I am spoiled as a result of credit cards. I am in a continual struggle to never be the nerdy, migraine-headache-inflicted adolescent I was until college. The first time I kissed a girl was 4 months after turning 18. The first time I ever really started drinking was when I turned 21. I try to get people drunk regardless of age, sex or relation to me so that I can more comfortably relate to them and feel superior. I hate water and think it is just for vegetarians yet I drink way too much of it. I long for the stars yet can't imagine ever living outside of a big city where I'll never see the stars. I'd give almost anything to know if we really are alone in the universe. I regret not having lived in Poland 100 years ago. I don't like pets or babies because they take attention away from me. Smile, don't laugh at my jokes, please, and never call me hilarious or nice. I moved to Israel in December 2003 to devote the next many years of my life to the Zionist dream of a free, independent, democratic, safe and secure homeland for the Jewish people on their/our historic land. I speak impressively fluent Hebrew. I believe in taking a stand and never giving in. I crave to be proved wrong about something, anything, anytime. I adore people who teach me new vocabulary. I don't believe in argument or being busy. I don't understand many things. I strive to never talk about the weather and never say no. I think people talk too much and listen too little. I don't think anyone has ever said or done or felt anything close to the things I say, do or feel. I long for nothingness yet chase genuine human connection. Although I would never suggest we go out dancing I secretly want to dance much more than I do and so I'll never turn down an invitation to do some tequila shots (no salt) and moon walk. Someone buy me a pony! I dream about meeting a girl who understands the words and deep meaning of the line, "Dr. Sam Beckett Never Went Home" and, like me, cries just thinking about it. I am all or nothing. I am obsessed with memory, remembering, saving and never saying goodbye. As a result, I never know how to end anything unless I grow to hate that thing I want to end. (until now was the original entry, from here on are new things) I don't know how to whistle or snap my fingers. I've never had braces or glasses. My left eye is near-sighted and my right eye is far-sighted to such a perfect equilibrium that I don't need glasses. Ever since 9/11 I can't help but look up and follow with my eyes the path of planes I hear flying overhead to make sure they won't fly into building. I was recently disturbed by someone I respect telling me that I'd make a great mother. I strive for overexposure and overindulgence in every new thing and every new person I encounter which I like, taking it easy and slow just isn't an option. I wear shoes to the beach and don't take them off until I get back home (even in the sand and the water). I don't like toes, don't find feet attractive and don't own any sandles or other open-toed shoes. I do not have foot fungus or bad toes or any other physical or medical reason for my dislike of feet. I only own two pairs of shorts and have a serious problem with dressing down. The majority of t-shirts I own are expensive, fancy and hang from hangers in the closet. I can't be comfortable with a new friend or lover until I find a reason to hate them in case we were to ever separate.

All of the above (and below) are me and yet aren't me at all. That's why I don't like being called hilarious and I don't like to admired. Every passing moment we are completely (partially? theoretically? possibly?) different people than we were before. None of this is real but its all we have (like matter being mostly empty space yet we don't fall through chairs or walk through walls). My online journal is one big ego-stroke. Respect me. Love me. Want me. Just don't admire me.