Sad Today

Look at this, it's me, walking away.
Look at you drowning, on display.
Every time I've dropped by, I've tried to say
The water is rising.
You don't want to stay.

It's that sinking feeling. you know what it's bringing on.
You might as well say it,
I see it, I feel it.
This town is going wrong.
It's turning away.
sentiment, reminiscing, preserving pristinely the past - in the form of many photos, offline journal entries and detailed, more-than-just-calendar entries - all to remember how things were. maybe thinking that makes the present better? easier to manage? NO. seems more like torture. is it masochism? why the keeping and saving? why the effort to save and document when i know it will end (i did) and it may be better not to remember? is it better? would i rather not be able to look at the photos of us smiling? would that change anything? would it be better if i didn't have every email we ever sent neatly organized and archived? i wasn't too good saving the negative/bad emails and documenting the negative/down times? in a sense i manufactured a romanticized view of things while they were going on, in real time. this isn't looking back and remembering only the good. this is specifically preserving for future perusal only the good. faking myself out in the present to totally fool myself in the future and increase the torturous effect of reminiscing. why didn't i save all the bad? why didn't i detail the negative? why did i insure that now, looking back, i'd only know, remember and fantasize about the good - making me sadder than i should be. i knew, after all, what would happen. i knew what i was getting in to and how things would end. i don't believe in secrets - either secrets that i keep from others or secrets in terms of things that i don't know. i knew everything. i knew this would happen. yet i was, and am, completely unable to prevent it. is that our lot in life? our curse? who said 'if we don't change course we'll end up going right where we're heading' ?? nothing could have happened differently. there are no regrets, no better ideas, no wishes that things could have been different. in fact, there is a full realization that things couldn't have been any different. my 'now' was and is inevitable. nothing to do about it. any of it. i know this is for the best. i do, really, know that. no hard feelings. no regrets. no wishes. it is just what it is. it is what it is and nothing else. a horse, of course.

Not saying anyone else is as insane as I am but I was inspired to come forward with some of these feelings after reading about my friend Rina's honesty.

-Song lyrics by REM, The Boy In The Well