While those around him criticize and sleep...
And through a fractal on a breaking wall,
I see you my friend, and touch your face again.
Miracles will happen as we trip.

I had a pretty strange and somewhat awe-inspiring day today. Professionally, my partner and I signed our names about a hundred times each and, as a result, closed a deal on some kick-ass office space for ourselves.

Personally, I had contact with the majority of my ex-girlfriends. For the sake of this blog post I'll include one quasi-could-have-been-a-girlfriend girl as an ex-girlfriend as well.

Talking to and even seeing these girls has fit in rather perfectly with my current state of mind. For some reason, mentally, I've dug deep into the past in order to provide context and meaning for what's happening in my present day life. Perhaps I've romanticized the past or perhaps I'm just searching for some grounding to my seemingly ever-changing present.

What do I think I'll find in the past and why does it occupy more of my thoughts than actively meeting new people? What excited me so much about seeing someone I literally haven't seen in two years? What intrigued me about catching up with someone I dated for two months? And after all those experiences from the somewhat-distant past, why was I still saddened by the realization that it'll take a while to be friends with a more recent ex?

The answer exists on many levels. As those who know me well can attest, I dislike almost everything and everyone. I was amused today when one ex, who's engaged, reminisced knowingly about my overarching dislike for basically everything. My desire and passion for honesty, sincerity and meaning also leads me to seriously avoid small talk - which is often what one does when meeting new people. I suppose this is why I was so comforted by being with people who knew me way back when, even if they have no idea what I've been through in the past few months or years.

The feeling of knowing, acceptance and understanding that exists when meeting someone from my past far outshines any desire to meet "new" people. These feelings remain strong even if it was her who decided to not see me any more. And furthermore, as time heals all and old wounds, it doesn't even matter if one of us seriously wronged the other or was an asshole. If enough time passed then we can seriously talk, catch up, reminisce about old times and just have fun together. This fun comes from a place of knowing rather than flirting or figuring out the other person.

Whether she's married, engaged, recently broken-up or otherwise going through difficult times, the closeness of feeling and understanding supersedes all. And certainly I'm not talking about hooking up with any of them. I'm merely referring to the comfort and ease of hanging out and talking with them as opposed to the lame, sober girl sitting at the bar...

Sometimes its nice to feel like someone knows me, maybe understands me, or at the very least has some history with me. I wonder if my fondness for the past will end soon. Is it just a phase or a more meaningful desire to evaluate what has happened in order to better prepare for what will come?

But we're never gonna survive unless, we get a little crazy.. crazy..
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little... crazy..
But we're never gonna survive unless, we get a little crazy.. crazy..
No we're never gonna to survive unless, we are a little.. crazy..
No no, never survive unless, we get a little bit...