I've always had a difficult time living now. Thoughts of my next move, of what will happen, of what I'd like to do later, of how we'll remember and be remembered all torment me. "One life but we're not the same." Will the things we say or do when drunk be remembered? If they will, will they be regretted as mistakes or cherished as things we finally did, even if they required the lubrication of liquor? Does knowing - or deciding - that in advance change what we're doing? How do we live now? How does anyone live now? "Teardrop on the fire." The future is so close. While I know we shouldn't live for the future, I don't know how to live for the present. Fuck that, I should start at least living the present and only later (in the future) move to living for the present. How do people do it? Sometimes I feel as though yesterday and tomorrow are the kind of friends that ultimately aren't healthy for me or my life. I need to figure out how to let them exert less influence over me. Only then will I be able to get closer to today. "We, the most intelligent beings on this planet (Ha. Ha.), the only animal which hurts itself out of the fear of being hurt, isolates itself for fear of being abandoned." Why are so many of our actions informed by how we were as children? Aren't we still children? We grow up, always wanting to be older, to take more responsibility, to gain the status symbols of adulthood, yet still act like adolescents with our secrets and fears.

It's too easy to forget how fucking precious life is. How awesome, overwhelming, surreal and so very real. How pathetic we are most of the time, consumed with worry, stress; obsessed with the insignificant whims to which we have become accustomed with obsessing, of which life seems to be endlessly abundant. All this desperate anguish and guilt we wring out of ourselves, all the rules and shoulds we are quick to self-impose on ourselves, all the petty tiffs we engage in; monsters under the bed, all. Child's games.

If it were all taken away tomorrow, what would it mean? What would you miss? Who would you want by your side?

I don't know. But I do know the answer must be from today, not a hope, desire or fear from tomorrow or yesterday.

(thanks to good friend AG for the inspiration and quotes)