I just got back from the supermarket and I can't believe that all I bought were vegetables (4 kinds, including broccoli), salmon and free-range Chicken eggs. I got a bottle of vodka just to make myself feel better about buying only healthy things. What have I come to? Do I really need TWO different kinds of tomatoes in my refrigerator? Why is steaming broccoli the only thing I can think about right now?

I also must admit that yesterday I bought a new frying pan and another item I bought today was new tupperware. WTF?!

Help me. I need help.

The vultures are circling. Success breeds greed. But what success? It isn't an arrow flying in the air that lands somewhere, even if its far away. It never lands. Its not even an arrow. Doesn't just go in one direction. Maybe success is like a wheel, sometimes up and sometimes down. If you're never down then you can never be up and if you're up its only a matter of time until you're down. So why the vultures? Why not just coolness?

Why does she only say hi on her way out of the bathroom but never on the way to the bathroom? What am I doing wrong? Obviously there's something she misses that I don't. Oh, but if I did then I'd start missing it more than her. Too intense. Who was once down, or maybe out, would be on top. But its lonely there. So I'll stay right where I am. So come. As you are. As you were. As I want you to be. As a friend. Not a vulture. And smile on your way to and from, not just when I'm not looking and not just when in front of my face. Smile also when you're down. That goes for you too. I do.

You know those people who smile because they don't know any better? Fat. Boring. Lame. Small. Oh so small. Pregnant too. Don't know any better. Not interested in adventure. Not in expanding horizons, pushing beyond comfort zones or trying new things. Still where they were born. Married to the neighbor, in the neighborhood, with a big hood covering all senses. Not that I'm better. Anything but. But at least not that. Anything but that. That which I have nightmares about. Don't ask that much of me.

Good shot. Bad shot. Just shoot. Give it a shot. Then leave the gun and take the canoli.


Will the next one be a happy shot or a sad shot? Sometimes we drink to forget, ignore, express sadness. Sometimes we drink to celebrate, smile, express camaraderie. Sometimes as the group does a round of shots the emotions are mixed. For some its a sad shot, for others a happy one.

We push and pull, struggle in the night, go back and forth from happy to sad many times and back again. Bathroom breaks and all. But I can't see you every night. If we only knew all our stories, all our fears, all our passions, maybe all we'd do is happy shots. Passionately. Then we'd have a chance at being that arrow heading straight to where the sun don't ever shine.

srsly

I will one day be to rock and roll what Bethlehem is to Christianity.

...
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind

But there's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of the fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows
Well every day my confusion grows

Haven't written in a while. Now writing from the plane; returning to Tel Aviv after a ten day work trip to NYC. It was my first time "back home" in over seven months but I barely had a chance to do any of the things I normally do, couldn't eat at the places I normally eat and didn't have time to see the people I normally see. It was all work, work, work, with some hard-fought time for my closest friends and family. Oh, but I did have time to celebrate my fifth annual Festivus!!

You see, the past 11 months of my life have been a rather mad roller coaster ride as a result of work. Except its not so much a roller coaster as it is an ever-increasing escalation of pressure, stress, excitement, risk and reward. My days are ruled by a ten hour time difference to Los Angeles, yet my partner and I still have to balance working with people in Israel. All the while we strive - usually unsuccessfully - to have our own social lives as well as personal/private time. The results aren't always stellar. I've had to cancel on friends many times and miss some things I really regret. Those in our lives have also been put in the position of adjusting and being understanding or falling by the waist-side.

However, the flip side to the story is one of insanely great advances in my career. Its hard sometimes to explain to friends in Israel what I'm doing, on what sort of level and within what sort of scope. The few times my partner and I get to interact with the larger organization we're a part of are truly mind-blowing. Those are the times we understand the gravity of our work and the massive opportunity we're given to prove ourselves, succeed or fail.

In the past two months, on that background of intense career-related stress and excitement, I celebrated my 28th birthday, my 4th year of life in Israel and even begun seeing someone (more on that later.... NOT). In that time I've also done a good amount of volunteer work with Taglit-birthright israel and hosted my father on a visit to the country. I had the honor of organizing a huge Hanukah party (300 people, open bar, free admission, celebrity guest-star) and finally took a three-day vacation (one day in the Dead Sea and two up north).

Now, returning to Israel, my partner and I have a new office to fill with furniture and we're looking to hire an assistant. So if you know of anyone...

Maybe it is time I dated an idiot?

Some friends may think that I've dated idiots in the past but I disagree. Some were patently insane, some selfish, some pretentious, some petty, some superficial, but none were idiots. There were really hot ones, those only I thought were attractive and those plain ones with the great personality, but none were idiots.

Maybe it is time I dated an idiot?

Over the course of writing this blog I've often dreamed of what I'd find in a mate, exactly what will happen, or the mistakes I'd make once I do find her. I've even listed every possible trait I'd want her to have. But I've never boiled things down so plainly as I am right now.

Maybe it is time I dated an idiot?

I get a lot of intellectual stimulation from my close friends. My work provides an ample enough outlet for drive and ambition. I have hobbies that allow me to enjoy life in a more rounded way. I make time for the few non-profit causes that are close to my heart. When it comes to finding a mate, my standards have always been too high. While I certainly don't want a "female me," I have been looking for someone well-rounded enough (metaphorically, not literally) to share my life with. And I've been disappointed time and again.

Maybe it is time I dated an idiot?

She won't challenge me. She won't annoy me. She'll be passive and placid. Whatever I want to do will be ok as long as I remain considerate. She'll fill her time with comparison shopping for perfumes and looking pretty. When I talk about work I'll be reminded that it bores her and that we should stick to what was on The Superficial that day. My friends will love hanging out with us and, although we'll be sensitive to public displays of affection, we will spend a lot of quality naked time together doing things like trying new combinations of Jelly Bellies. Maybe she'll make me get in shape and help insure my hair and fashion styles are always current enough to impress the colleagues in Los Angeles. She'll be my absolute escape from all the things I find annoying about the world and will indulge all my idiosyncrasies. We'll have to get a cute little dog and I'll finally abandon my distaste for baby talk. She'll be the cutest and most serious pregnant woman you'll ever see and our children, Riley, Apple and Ashton will be the most loved, pampered and healthy kids ever. Their friends will always want to come over to our house on Rothschild Boulevard in central Tel Aviv to be near the hottest MILF on the block. We'll take those packaged "old people adventures" together and be in love until the day we die.

It may be funny to think but I'm sitting in my Tel Aviv apartment and feeling homesick for the Middle Eastern food I learned to love in Brooklyn, New York. My brother recently sent me a NY Times video about the wonderful Middle Eastern food available in Brooklyn. What really made me homesick was that the video featured a store our parents have been taking us to our entire lives. That's old school. That's the sort of thing you can't fake. I may be discovering new delights in Israel - finally, after nearly four years here - breaking away from the standard and touristy places to find the real awesome stuff. The neighborhood where the store is located in Brooklyn used to be a immigrant enclave but is now filled with fancy high rises and yuppies (no offense to my bro who is now one of those people). But I remember it before all that. Does that make me old? Nostalgic? Maybe it makes me feel cooler than the people who move there these days. It'll never the same, old, authentic stuff I grew up on.

Anyway, check it out: Beyond Falafel on Atlantic Avenue: Seth Kugel samples an array of delicacies on a traditionally Middle Eastern street near downtown Brooklyn.

Planning to marry a friend pretty soon if all else fails and her modest proposal is:

"Vacations will be our children and disdain for most of the human race our legacy."

I am in love.

I can't see... you love me... my own expanse... I can not see
I formulate infinity, and store it deep inside of me.

I see all, understand all and yet still make mistakes at every fucking single step along the way. The funniest, most perfect and amazing thing happened to me tonight and I certainly had no idea what to do. Mistakes and mistakes. Is there anything else?

At least there's humor. I can laugh at what happens, know what I should do and then laugh at what I actually did - which is never what I should have done and certainly not what would ever lead to the goal I want. Those goals are meaningless since I'll never get there. I'll be ok in life as long as I can laugh at the stuff I do along the way.

One amazing perk of working at MTV, one of the coolest companies in the world, is that I am about to board a plane in order to attend the 2007 MTV European Music Awards in Munich, Germany.

I'll be updating my Facebook status and Twitter feed regularly. It'll be a lot of fun because I'll be going to all the festivities with full VIP treatment, including pre and post show parties. Wish me luck!

If you're in the Eastern hemisphere you can catch the EMA's live at 9pm!

I've always had a difficult time living now. Thoughts of my next move, of what will happen, of what I'd like to do later, of how we'll remember and be remembered all torment me. "One life but we're not the same." Will the things we say or do when drunk be remembered? If they will, will they be regretted as mistakes or cherished as things we finally did, even if they required the lubrication of liquor? Does knowing - or deciding - that in advance change what we're doing? How do we live now? How does anyone live now? "Teardrop on the fire." The future is so close. While I know we shouldn't live for the future, I don't know how to live for the present. Fuck that, I should start at least living the present and only later (in the future) move to living for the present. How do people do it? Sometimes I feel as though yesterday and tomorrow are the kind of friends that ultimately aren't healthy for me or my life. I need to figure out how to let them exert less influence over me. Only then will I be able to get closer to today. "We, the most intelligent beings on this planet (Ha. Ha.), the only animal which hurts itself out of the fear of being hurt, isolates itself for fear of being abandoned." Why are so many of our actions informed by how we were as children? Aren't we still children? We grow up, always wanting to be older, to take more responsibility, to gain the status symbols of adulthood, yet still act like adolescents with our secrets and fears.

It's too easy to forget how fucking precious life is. How awesome, overwhelming, surreal and so very real. How pathetic we are most of the time, consumed with worry, stress; obsessed with the insignificant whims to which we have become accustomed with obsessing, of which life seems to be endlessly abundant. All this desperate anguish and guilt we wring out of ourselves, all the rules and shoulds we are quick to self-impose on ourselves, all the petty tiffs we engage in; monsters under the bed, all. Child's games.

If it were all taken away tomorrow, what would it mean? What would you miss? Who would you want by your side?

I don't know. But I do know the answer must be from today, not a hope, desire or fear from tomorrow or yesterday.

(thanks to good friend AG for the inspiration and quotes)