Jacob Shwirtz - The Journal

Kanye West cover

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 15:48:00 +0000

These days I do things like this:

Tel Aviv as more than the secular capital of Israel

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Thu, 28 May 2009 20:35:00 +0000

My father published a long story today in the Ha'Aretz newspaper about the unknown history of Tel Aviv as a bastion of religion. Surprisingly, when many religious leaders moved from the "old world" to Israel, they decided to set up shop in Tel Aviv, not Jerusalem. Also, its interesting to note they lived in complete peace with the secular population of Tel Aviv (no throwing stones at people for driving cars on the Sabbath). This is all but gone, however, you can still find peaceful, religious-secular coexistence around Shenkin street.

Its a fascinating article, available in Hebrew and English. The English isn't a complete translation. In the Hebrew version you can actually learn about my own family history and my grandfather, whom I am named after (second to last paragraph).

Jewish Week

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Check out my blurb in this week's Jewish Week about "what happens after Birthright Israel." As usual, I am all filled with optimism about life in Israel!

Five years!

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 22:12:00 +0000

No reason to get excited
The thief he kindly spoke
There are many here among us
Who feel that life is but a joke
But you and I we've been through that
And this is not our fate
So let us not talk falsely now
The hour is getting late

Five years in Israel - a milestone worthy of nostalgia. Hard to imagine I've been here so long but yet I came without any intention of leaving. This was never an experiment or a toe dipped in the water. My aliyah was a commitment to make my life in Israel, to do what I can to succeed here. I've made many friends and had plenty of experiences. Five years is enough time for the novelty to wear off. Its hard to "fake it" for this long. And, indeed, in the last year I have done much to change my daily life from "what I think I should be doing" to "what I want to do."

Several friends have fallen by the waist-side. The initial compromises people make to be friends in a strange land slipped away and I was able to focus on honesty. "Is this person really a friend and do I really enjoy our time together?" These questions forced me to be honest with myself and, quite literally, grow up. Other friendships were refined and strengthened. Sadly, its not always easy to nurture the friendships I sincerely do want strengthened. Work, family and circumstance sometimes get in the way, unfortunately.

Another unfortunate part of life here is that people come for brief periods of time, which makes it even harder to build strong friendships. On average I attend a going away party at least once a month. This causes obvious cynicism when I welcome newcomers. I can only hope they survive... if that's what they want. Sometimes people make aliyah but don't even intend to stay long.

Happily, my career has continued to evolve since leaving the US. I know more than ever before how to describe what I do and to where I want to get. I've faced several challenges trying to advance my career in such a small marketplace (compared to America). But luck has been with me, giving me opportunities to work from Israel but toward the largest targets possible. I hope this focus continues.

Personal life has solidified in a way I could have only dreamed. A committed, long-term relationship has made me happier than I ever thought possible. This relationship has taught me much and helped me evolve as a person. One example is cooking. I've taken to cooking as a wonderful new hobby and really enjoy the pursuit of good food. Its just too bad I don't have the financing to travel the world, eating the best food it has to offer. At the very least I've finally perfected a buffalo wing recipe (my favorite food). This small pleasure makes life that much more enjoyable.

All in all I'm looking forward to the next 5 years, not only hoping I make it but also working hard to insure I do. At least I still get to do silly, fun things every now and then... like this Christmas video for NextOrNot.com that features Katy Perry:

The lows I have sunk to

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 12:53:00 +0000

I just got back from the supermarket and I can't believe that all I bought were vegetables (4 kinds, including broccoli), salmon and free-range Chicken eggs. I got a bottle of vodka just to make myself feel better about buying only healthy things. What have I come to? Do I really need TWO different kinds of tomatoes in my refrigerator? Why is steaming broccoli the only thing I can think about right now?

I also must admit that yesterday I bought a new frying pan and another item I bought today was new tupperware. WTF?!

Help me. I need help.

Who needs actions when you got words?

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 23:09:00 +0000

The vultures are circling. Success breeds greed. But what success? It isn't an arrow flying in the air that lands somewhere, even if its far away. It never lands. Its not even an arrow. Doesn't just go in one direction. Maybe success is like a wheel, sometimes up and sometimes down. If you're never down then you can never be up and if you're up its only a matter of time until you're down. So why the vultures? Why not just coolness?

Why does she only say hi on her way out of the bathroom but never on the way to the bathroom? What am I doing wrong? Obviously there's something she misses that I don't. Oh, but if I did then I'd start missing it more than her. Too intense. Who was once down, or maybe out, would be on top. But its lonely there. So I'll stay right where I am. So come. As you are. As you were. As I want you to be. As a friend. Not a vulture. And smile on your way to and from, not just when I'm not looking and not just when in front of my face. Smile also when you're down. That goes for you too. I do.

You know those people who smile because they don't know any better? Fat. Boring. Lame. Small. Oh so small. Pregnant too. Don't know any better. Not interested in adventure. Not in expanding horizons, pushing beyond comfort zones or trying new things. Still where they were born. Married to the neighbor, in the neighborhood, with a big hood covering all senses. Not that I'm better. Anything but. But at least not that. Anything but that. That which I have nightmares about. Don't ask that much of me.

Good shot. Bad shot. Just shoot. Give it a shot. Then leave the gun and take the canoli.

Will the next one be a happy shot or a sad shot? Sometimes we drink to forget, ignore, express sadness. Sometimes we drink to celebrate, smile, express camaraderie. Sometimes as the group does a round of shots the emotions are mixed. For some its a sad shot, for others a happy one.

We push and pull, struggle in the night, go back and forth from happy to sad many times and back again. Bathroom breaks and all. But I can't see you every night. If we only knew all our stories, all our fears, all our passions, maybe all we'd do is happy shots. Passionately. Then we'd have a chance at being that arrow heading straight to where the sun don't ever shine.

srsly

Just saying....

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 22:56:00 +0000

I will one day be to rock and roll what Bethlehem is to Christianity.

Catching up

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 00:37:00 +0000

...
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind

But there's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of the fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows
Well every day my confusion grows

Haven't written in a while. Now writing from the plane; returning to Tel Aviv after a ten day work trip to NYC. It was my first time "back home" in over seven months but I barely had a chance to do any of the things I normally do, couldn't eat at the places I normally eat and didn't have time to see the people I normally see. It was all work, work, work, with some hard-fought time for my closest friends and family. Oh, but I did have time to celebrate my fifth annual Festivus!!

You see, the past 11 months of my life have been a rather mad roller coaster ride as a result of work. Except its not so much a roller coaster as it is an ever-increasing escalation of pressure, stress, excitement, risk and reward. My days are ruled by a ten hour time difference to Los Angeles, yet my partner and I still have to balance working with people in Israel. All the while we strive - usually unsuccessfully - to have our own social lives as well as personal/private time. The results aren't always stellar. I've had to cancel on friends many times and miss some things I really regret. Those in our lives have also been put in the position of adjusting and being understanding or falling by the waist-side.

However, the flip side to the story is one of insanely great advances in my career. Its hard sometimes to explain to friends in Israel what I'm doing, on what sort of level and within what sort of scope. The few times my partner and I get to interact with the larger organization we're a part of are truly mind-blowing. Those are the times we understand the gravity of our work and the massive opportunity we're given to prove ourselves, succeed or fail.

In the past two months, on that background of intense career-related stress and excitement, I celebrated my 28th birthday, my 4th year of life in Israel and even begun seeing someone (more on that later.... NOT). In that time I've also done a good amount of volunteer work with Taglit-birthright israel and hosted my father on a visit to the country. I had the honor of organizing a huge Hanukah party (300 people, open bar, free admission, celebrity guest-star) and finally took a three-day vacation (one day in the Dead Sea and two up north).

Now, returning to Israel, my partner and I have a new office to fill with furniture and we're looking to hire an assistant. So if you know of anyone...

My New Girlfriend!

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 10:43:00 +0000

Maybe it is time I dated an idiot?

Some friends may think that I've dated idiots in the past but I disagree. Some were patently insane, some selfish, some pretentious, some petty, some superficial, but none were idiots. There were really hot ones, those only I thought were attractive and those plain ones with the great personality, but none were idiots.

Maybe it is time I dated an idiot?

Over the course of writing this blog I've often dreamed of what I'd find in a mate, exactly what will happen, or the mistakes I'd make once I do find her. I've even listed every possible trait I'd want her to have. But I've never boiled things down so plainly as I am right now.

Maybe it is time I dated an idiot?

I get a lot of intellectual stimulation from my close friends. My work provides an ample enough outlet for drive and ambition. I have hobbies that allow me to enjoy life in a more rounded way. I make time for the few non-profit causes that are close to my heart. When it comes to finding a mate, my standards have always been too high. While I certainly don't want a "female me," I have been looking for someone well-rounded enough (metaphorically, not literally) to share my life with. And I've been disappointed time and again.

Maybe it is time I dated an idiot?

She won't challenge me. She won't annoy me. She'll be passive and placid. Whatever I want to do will be ok as long as I remain considerate. She'll fill her time with comparison shopping for perfumes and looking pretty. When I talk about work I'll be reminded that it bores her and that we should stick to what was on The Superficial that day. My friends will love hanging out with us and, although we'll be sensitive to public displays of affection, we will spend a lot of quality naked time together doing things like trying new combinations of Jelly Bellies. Maybe she'll make me get in shape and help insure my hair and fashion styles are always current enough to impress the colleagues in Los Angeles. She'll be my absolute escape from all the things I find annoying about the world and will indulge all my idiosyncrasies. We'll have to get a cute little dog and I'll finally abandon my distaste for baby talk. She'll be the cutest and most serious pregnant woman you'll ever see and our children, Riley, Apple and Ashton will be the most loved, pampered and healthy kids ever. Their friends will always want to come over to our house on Rothschild Boulevard in central Tel Aviv to be near the hottest MILF on the block. We'll take those packaged "old people adventures" together and be in love until the day we die.

Homesick for Middle Eastern Food

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 18:46:00 +0000

It may be funny to think but I'm sitting in my Tel Aviv apartment and feeling homesick for the Middle Eastern food I learned to love in Brooklyn, New York. My brother recently sent me a NY Times video about the wonderful Middle Eastern food available in Brooklyn. What really made me homesick was that the video featured a store our parents have been taking us to our entire lives. That's old school. That's the sort of thing you can't fake. I may be discovering new delights in Israel - finally, after nearly four years here - breaking away from the standard and touristy places to find the real awesome stuff. The neighborhood where the store is located in Brooklyn used to be a immigrant enclave but is now filled with fancy high rises and yuppies (no offense to my bro who is now one of those people). But I remember it before all that. Does that make me old? Nostalgic? Maybe it makes me feel cooler than the people who move there these days. It'll never the same, old, authentic stuff I grew up on.

Anyway, check it out: Beyond Falafel on Atlantic Avenue: Seth Kugel samples an array of delicacies on a traditionally Middle Eastern street near downtown Brooklyn.

My future

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 11:54:00 +0000

Planning to marry a friend pretty soon if all else fails and her modest proposal is:

"Vacations will be our children and disdain for most of the human race our legacy."

I am in love.

Losing my soul

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 01:49:00 +0000

I can't see... you love me... my own expanse... I can not see
I formulate infinity, and store it deep inside of me.

I see all, understand all and yet still make mistakes at every fucking single step along the way. The funniest, most perfect and amazing thing happened to me tonight and I certainly had no idea what to do. Mistakes and mistakes. Is there anything else?

At least there's humor. I can laugh at what happens, know what I should do and then laugh at what I actually did - which is never what I should have done and certainly not what would ever lead to the goal I want. Those goals are meaningless since I'll never get there. I'll be ok in life as long as I can laugh at the stuff I do along the way.

MTV EMA's, here I come!

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 22:36:00 +0000

One amazing perk of working at MTV, one of the coolest companies in the world, is that I am about to board a plane in order to attend the 2007 MTV European Music Awards in Munich, Germany.

I'll be updating my Facebook status and Twitter feed regularly. It'll be a lot of fun because I'll be going to all the festivities with full VIP treatment, including pre and post show parties. Wish me luck!

If you're in the Eastern hemisphere you can catch the EMA's live at 9pm!

"There is no when I'd rather be"

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 08:43:00 +0000

I've always had a difficult time living now. Thoughts of my next move, of what will happen, of what I'd like to do later, of how we'll remember and be remembered all torment me. "One life but we're not the same." Will the things we say or do when drunk be remembered? If they will, will they be regretted as mistakes or cherished as things we finally did, even if they required the lubrication of liquor? Does knowing - or deciding - that in advance change what we're doing? How do we live now? How does anyone live now? "Teardrop on the fire." The future is so close. While I know we shouldn't live for the future, I don't know how to live for the present. Fuck that, I should start at least living the present and only later (in the future) move to living for the present. How do people do it? Sometimes I feel as though yesterday and tomorrow are the kind of friends that ultimately aren't healthy for me or my life. I need to figure out how to let them exert less influence over me. Only then will I be able to get closer to today. "We, the most intelligent beings on this planet (Ha. Ha.), the only animal which hurts itself out of the fear of being hurt, isolates itself for fear of being abandoned." Why are so many of our actions informed by how we were as children? Aren't we still children? We grow up, always wanting to be older, to take more responsibility, to gain the status symbols of adulthood, yet still act like adolescents with our secrets and fears.

It's too easy to forget how fucking precious life is. How awesome, overwhelming, surreal and so very real. How pathetic we are most of the time, consumed with worry, stress; obsessed with the insignificant whims to which we have become accustomed with obsessing, of which life seems to be endlessly abundant. All this desperate anguish and guilt we wring out of ourselves, all the rules and shoulds we are quick to self-impose on ourselves, all the petty tiffs we engage in; monsters under the bed, all. Child's games.

If it were all taken away tomorrow, what would it mean? What would you miss? Who would you want by your side?

I don't know. But I do know the answer must be from today, not a hope, desire or fear from tomorrow or yesterday.

(thanks to good friend AG for the inspiration and quotes)

Getting Married

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 19:23:00 +0000

I just got this message from a friend, setting out his and his fiance's marriage plans. I am SO impressed by what they're doing that I decided to repost the message here. It is so laid back, so casual, so focused on just having fun with friends instead of "what people think needs to be done" that I love it!

By the way, he sent the message out through Facebook of all places!!! Beyond that, the whole approach of celebrating across multiple cities is very appropriate for our day and age. I just love their plan so much that maybe I'll start thinking of getting married one of these days.

Obviously I've nade all the names anonymous...

Dear friends and family,

The time has come to 'save the dates'. A and I are really excited to have ALL of you participate at least in one of the 3 planned festivities.

A little about the concept we are working with. We both feel incredibly fortunate for the life we have. There are some amazing people in our lives and everyday I am thankful for you all being in our life. To that end we really want to focus on enjoying ourselves and our friends. So � we are going casual. We are not sending out wedding invitations � we are not picking centerpieces, we are just going to enjoy this exciting and meaningful part of our life.

Of course we do not expect ALL (or even most) of our friends to make all of our 'parties' but I hope you will consider making an effort to come to one.

So here is the schedule:

On December 2nd we are planning an engagement party in Los Angeles � that is the extent of the details available so far. We are thinking BBQ � but have not committed to anything yet.

On December 13th we are planning an engagement party in New York. This will take place at a lounge in the city and is being organized by my dear friend B (thank you B!).

On December 16th A and I are flying to Israel where we will spend some time and prepare for our wedding in the Old City of Jerusalem overlooking the Western Wall on December 24th (the wedding will be sometime around 4ish). We will then spend another week in Israel returning on New Years eve arriving early January 1st. A couple big thanks: C for lending us his amazing home, D for giving me the time off, E, F, G, H, I, J and I am sure others who I am forgetting right now for helping us plan a wedding in Israel � no small task.

Additionally, the day after the wedding, the 25th, I am thinking we can 'all' have brunch and then I am arranging for a tour of the Old City that should be amazing.

I hope some of you will really consider coming to Israel � if it will be your first time � you can not imagine how wonderful it is, if you have been before � when was the last time you were there? Now you have an excuse!!! Please consider celebrating the beginning of our new life together.

The plan for us is to spend most of our time in Kadima (near Netanya) as our HQ and then take day trips. We will definitely be going to Tsfat, maybe Eilat, obviously Jerusalem, etc.. Because it is our wedding trip and a quasi honeymoon we will be focused on what we want to do. With that said � anything we are doing � everyone is welcome and encouraged to join.

We rented a car for $215 for the 2 weeks � not bad�.

For those of you who can�t make it � I am really considering webcasting it (K � I might be using your platform, give me a good deal?).

So this is what I would like from everyone. As soon as possible � please let me know if you are considering/able to come to any (or all) of our parties. I need to start getting a hold of the numbers. For those of you who live in San Fran or Atlanta or Vancouver or any other place that is not LA/NY/Israel � I figure we all travel so much nowadays � I might get lucky and find you in town at the right time. Additionally, if you would consider watching a webcast of our wedding and you understand there is a 9 hour time difference on the West Coast (6 hours on East Coast) please let me know. Webcasting a wedding 10K miles away for 3 people, just does not seem like it�s worth the effort.

For those of you who asked � we (A) have finally gotten around to registering. Not sure if we are going to register in other places � but as of now � you can find us at Bed, Bath and Beyond. So we are practical � is that so bad?

In terms of travel: We used a travel Agent named L � tell him you are calling about our wedding. I would also recommend M, N, and O as good sites for fares

We really hope that we can see all of you in the month of December. Details to come for those who want them.

With love in our hearts and warmest regards,

P and A

Another birth

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 09:31:00 +0000

I've never really done anything other than what I tamely refer to as "Internet stuff." More specifically, I've never been a programmer or designer, my work has always been in the realms of concepting and managing large web projects.

Well, the largest project I've ever been involved with launched yesterday without a hitch. I am so proud to be a part of the team that pulled off what I think is an awesome website. Check it out!

MTV's NextOrNot.com lets people create rich profiles and then vie to be crowned "hottie of the day." Every day there's a new contest and the winners (a guy and a girl) are those who had people spend the most time on their profiles. So create a profile, trick it out, and attract others to check it out. You can always see who the current top hotties are and get down into your stats to make sure you're always improving your chances.

The REALLY cool part of the story is that every day the winners are featured rather heavily on-air on MTV, during episodes of up to three dating shows: Next, Parental Control and Exposed. So become hottie of the day and get your profile on MTV!

The high Tel Aviv life

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sun, 14 Oct 2007 22:18:00 +0000

Tonight I attended my first party that I was invited to based solely on my job at MTV. It was a "beautiful people" and "fancy people" and "famous people" party. People who are famous just for being famous. They had closed down an entire street in ancient Yafo and had a "block party." The designer of the event is a designer we work closely with so we got in with our whole posse. We're cool like that.

These people were all SO COOL. Many of them had funky glasses and walked with an air of arty-fartsy-ness.

Since moving to Israel I have had quite a funny experience whenever I'm near Israeli "celebs." Its hard to even call them celebs but here that's what they are. My good friend can spot them all - models, TV personalities, musicians, actors, etc. I think they all look the same, smell like hummus and are the farthest thing from celebrity imaginable. Very hard to feel impressed in their presence. They all still need day jobs and struggle to afford the lives they think they deserve as Israeli celebs.

However, for the first time in my nearly four years here I actually, finally spotted a celeb on my own. He's the host of a popular food appreciation show in Israel. He frequently travels abroad and reports back to Israelis about world cuisine. I was SO proud of myself for actually spotting this aging celeb, his pony tail and white goatee.

And thus I have become an Israeli. At least there was an open bar� which is a safe bet in Israel since the natives tend not to drink very much.

October '07 Madness

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 17:35:00 +0000

I can't believe we're just 11 days into October and already its been one of the most fun, overwhelming and altogether awesome months of my life, ever!

After two birthday parties of good friends, my own birthday party and a week-long visit of three coworkers from LA, I have hundreds of photos and memories. I just uploaded almost 200 pics to a new flickr set, so check it out: October '07 Madness.

To thine own self be Jacob

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 23:02:00 +0000

and thus it began, his birthday, pondering and pondering... no music, no doors, just roll the tape and let me rant. is it all just a dream? is that what we say about things we want to forget? isn't it how we describe things so good we never want to forget? take me by the hand and make me understand.

No eternal reward will forgive us now
For wasting the dawn.

I've written so much about taking advantage of the time we have. The fleeting time we have. now my birthday has arrived yet again. i've arrived to my birthday once again, hat in hand, taken by the hand, trying to understand. searching for perspective. times are overwhelming. i feel myself becoming a different person. but who? him? you? the asshole? the pretentious snob? the workaholic? hopeless romantic? never. close your eyes.

she dances in a ring of fire
and throws off the challenge with a shrug

i am in a sensuous panic, wondering if i'll ever touch her thighs again. But that's too passive. isn't more in my control? can't i do what i want? shouldn't i? i'm most alive when i see truth. maybe that's why I'm bored so often. people are too simple. be a little tough, aloof, throw in some humor, show something impressive and then leave. too easy. boring. boring. boring. but not my love. lets make the myths. fuck or fight. just don't sleep. don't think. cleanse the doors of perception. infinity. worst case scenario - our love becomes a funeral pyre.

Even the band must face the music. I think a lot about Anne, my friend who passed away without my knowing... until it was too late. Of my entire adult life that day remains the day I cried the most. It is almost exactly one year since that day. I lie when I say I'm not afraid. i'm afraid and i'm smashed.

embracing the will to be weird. no joke is good unless its taken beyond the limits. commitment to the joke, to the point, to the lasting impression, to the other side. why am I so entranced by insane girls? why am I only attracted to vampires? they're the only people i can make the myths with. don't leave. not tonight. we don't know what will happen. nothingness. simplicity. do a show with just bare walls. don't fear the emptiness we all have inside. don't cover it up. don't bury it and don't fill it with pretense. its ok that you don't know what to say to god. none of us do. he's probably stuck in traffic anyway.

and that's why, at midnight, my birthday, the perfect thing happened. i had a half-hour conversation with a complete stranger on the other side of the world. how is it that she knew me better than anyone else? how is it that after that talk I felt my birthday would be ok, I'll be ok, it'll be an ok year. she was in bed with back problems, I was splayed out on my couch with whiskey seeping out of my pours. and we connected. that's all i need. she was my conduit to god and i'll never even meet her.

believe in excess. attain the unknown. our only friend.

I want my... Jacob?

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 00:11:00 +0000

Well, here we go. On the eve of my birthday (October 10th) I'm proud to say that I'm working for MTV Networks, one of the coolest brands in the whole world. Growing up on VJ's, Real World and Singled Out brings special significance to my current career move.

I've been doing a lot of confidential stuff over the last 8 months, since leaving my previous job. Most of what I did will remain confidential and I won't be able to reveal too much about my work at MTV but I can proudly say I'm a core piece of MTV�s new digital programming/Internet strategy.

So if you have any good ideas, let me know.

Coincidences

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 16:19:00 +0000

As always, life is funny. The last few days have been particularly packed for me because of moving into new office space, preparing for a very important upcoming week and wrapping up development on a major project. Maybe its this overwhelming feeling that causes coincidences.

Crazy coincidences in the last few days:
-A friend I haven't seen in 2 years I recently reconnected with on Facebook and said "we should meet up soon" only to run into him at an ATM machine a few hours later. Also, it turns out he knows my father but never knew we were related.
-Another friend I haven't seen in a year just happened to walk into the bar I was at last night.
-While watching the news two days ago and today I saw "man on the street" interviews conducted with my travel agent and someone I used to work with.

Funny stuff.

A Barrel Overflowing With Faith

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 19:06:00 +0000

I was recently hit by a streak of homesickness when a friend brought up the topic of my father. Most people don't know who my dad is or what he does. New friends are usually surprised to learn that he's a rather well known (some would say legendary) veteran journalist.

One of his most well-known pieces is a 1969 interview with the Lubavitcher Rebbe in Brooklyn. I just reread it and was amazed by how similar the themes he recounts are to the themes going through my life these days.

I won't dishonor the article by picking out small bits. So, my loyal reader, do me a favor and read the whole thing in its entirety.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Ex'd Out

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 02:30:00 +0000

While those around him criticize and sleep...
And through a fractal on a breaking wall,
I see you my friend, and touch your face again.
Miracles will happen as we trip.

I had a pretty strange and somewhat awe-inspiring day today. Professionally, my partner and I signed our names about a hundred times each and, as a result, closed a deal on some kick-ass office space for ourselves.

Personally, I had contact with the majority of my ex-girlfriends. For the sake of this blog post I'll include one quasi-could-have-been-a-girlfriend girl as an ex-girlfriend as well.

Talking to and even seeing these girls has fit in rather perfectly with my current state of mind. For some reason, mentally, I've dug deep into the past in order to provide context and meaning for what's happening in my present day life. Perhaps I've romanticized the past or perhaps I'm just searching for some grounding to my seemingly ever-changing present.

What do I think I'll find in the past and why does it occupy more of my thoughts than actively meeting new people? What excited me so much about seeing someone I literally haven't seen in two years? What intrigued me about catching up with someone I dated for two months? And after all those experiences from the somewhat-distant past, why was I still saddened by the realization that it'll take a while to be friends with a more recent ex?

The answer exists on many levels. As those who know me well can attest, I dislike almost everything and everyone. I was amused today when one ex, who's engaged, reminisced knowingly about my overarching dislike for basically everything. My desire and passion for honesty, sincerity and meaning also leads me to seriously avoid small talk - which is often what one does when meeting new people. I suppose this is why I was so comforted by being with people who knew me way back when, even if they have no idea what I've been through in the past few months or years.

The feeling of knowing, acceptance and understanding that exists when meeting someone from my past far outshines any desire to meet "new" people. These feelings remain strong even if it was her who decided to not see me any more. And furthermore, as time heals all and old wounds, it doesn't even matter if one of us seriously wronged the other or was an asshole. If enough time passed then we can seriously talk, catch up, reminisce about old times and just have fun together. This fun comes from a place of knowing rather than flirting or figuring out the other person.

Whether she's married, engaged, recently broken-up or otherwise going through difficult times, the closeness of feeling and understanding supersedes all. And certainly I'm not talking about hooking up with any of them. I'm merely referring to the comfort and ease of hanging out and talking with them as opposed to the lame, sober girl sitting at the bar...

Sometimes its nice to feel like someone knows me, maybe understands me, or at the very least has some history with me. I wonder if my fondness for the past will end soon. Is it just a phase or a more meaningful desire to evaluate what has happened in order to better prepare for what will come?

But we're never gonna survive unless, we get a little crazy.. crazy..
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little... crazy..
But we're never gonna survive unless, we get a little crazy.. crazy..
No we're never gonna to survive unless, we are a little.. crazy..
No no, never survive unless, we get a little bit...

Unplugged

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 15:53:00 +0000

Came home from furniture shopping, clicked on the TV, which was tuned to VH1, and within a second it dawned on me that VH1 was broadcasting the famous, epic, generation-defining "Nirvana Unplugged" from 1993 in its entirety.

The best blue whiskey came out of the cabinet and I settled in for one of those "boy am I going to have to blog about this" experiences of taking in the fullness of Nirvana Unplugged.

The culmination of the show is "My Girl," about a guy demanding his girl tell him where she's going and where she slept last night. Cobain sings with such intensity and passion that you don't need whiskey to feel intoxicated. What always gets to me is the last few seconds of his performance. With eyes shut, he screams the words so passionately that some don't even make it out, leaving the listener to fill in the blanks between the few nouns he's able to utter. And then, just before the last word or two, Cobain opens his eyes for a second that seems like an eternity, closes them again and finishes the song.

If you're in the mood to be philosophical you might think a whole universe was created and destroyed in that split second of vision. As if he saw all eternity and what would happen (or what he'd do) to himself. The feeling is almost as if there's nothing more he could possibly do, so why not end it all?

How many people ever reach the point they can truly say, "ok, I guess I brought my vision to the world, I inspired changing mindsets, I made my immortal contribution to the universe and I guess its time to go?"

And even if we're not talking about the culmination of a life, how many people ever see anything with a level of clarity that goes way beyond silly stubbornness or wishful thinking?

How often are we given those gifts? How often are we inspired to see past all the bullshit that surrounds us constantly and indulge in a singular fleeting moment of absolute clarity? The sort of clarity that is undeniable and even apparent to those around us?

Well I guess it doesn't happen often. And in the meantime all we can do is our best, hoping that each decision brings us closer to love, passion, confidence in ourselves and our choices.

I would shiver the whole night through.

Another ode to a nonexistant love

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob) — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 23:22:00 +0000

I've gone from imagining what the perfect girl would be like to reconciling myself with the impossibility of ever meeting her.

Or have we met?

Did we have an encounter? A change glance at a bar? A bump on the way to the bathroom? Did I ever order a drink from her at a bar? Did we spend one night together, not realizing the potential of what we had?

Or was it more? Was it someone I had known for a while but fell out of touch with. Is it someone I still know? Someone currently in my life?

Where are the signs, the signals, the unspeakable impulses and instincts? Does my stubbornness blind me from basic human emotions to the point where all I'm left with are the platitudes of friends and inspiration from music lyrics?

I don't have to think
I only have to do it
The results are always perfect
And thats old news
-The Meat Puppets

I'm sure when I started this blog, over 5 years ago, I thought I was an adult. I thought I was writing things of value to myself and others. Now I think about myself more, writing what I feel, no matter how the meaning of what I write is lost on most. I'm no longer that kid who's afraid to talk to a girl in a bar or say what he really thinks. I'll no longer just be nice to someone because they're nice to me or date someone just because I'm bored or horny.

Where is that ultimate love? Is all we'll ever have together that one picture we took? That one smile we shared? That one weekend we had in Paris or the one class we shared together in college? Will we encounter each other again when the timing is better? So much about life relies on timing. Will I be single? Will you? Will it have been a bad day for one of us and we'd close down, unable to recognize what's starring us in the face? Will we find creative solutions to what separates us?

Will we even realize the potential?

Sadly, no, we won't. We'll have our day-jobs, our families, our careers, our friends. We'll indulge in what we'll think is important. We'll blind ourselves to whatever is outside of our comfort zone. We'll shun the greatest thing that good have happened, turn back to our friends, and bemoan the fact that true love doesn't exist.

We'll wonder when "it" will happen even as we ignore it.

And having understood that, let me say I'm sorry.

It was nice knowing you.

I'm sure.

I assume.